Title: Peanut Butter and Jelly
Author: james
Genre: gen, teamfic
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1250
Disclaimer: not mine, no profit made
Notes: written for smallfandomfest for the prompt, "Leverage, Eliot, The Cooking Reality Show job"
Summary: The Cooking Show Job



"So," Nate said, clapping his hands together. "It's all set! We'll go in, win the show, and expose Mr. Barber to the entire world for the jackass that he is."

"You mean, we'll prove that he deliberately destroyed the Henderson's business and their reputation by deliberately re-editing the footage of their restaurant to make it appear that they were lazy, unprofessional, and had rats and mice in the kitchen," Sophie said.

"Yes, yes," Nate said. "And we'll also show the viewing audience that he's a jerk."

Sophie smiled. "Perfect."

"Is now a good time to ask how you're sure I can win this thing?" Eliot asked, as the others were already grabbing their gear.

Nate waved him off. "Hardison will be monitoring the camera feeds, and Sophie and I will be on-hand to do whatever sabotage we need to ensure you win." He grinned. "Piece of cake." He paused and looked at everyone as if waiting for a response, then repeated, "Piece of cake. Don't you-- OK it isn't brilliant, but a smile or something wouldn't hurt."

The others stopped and turned back to him, all looking equally confused.

Nate said, "Because it's a cake competition? Piece of cake?"

"What?" Eliot growled.

Nate frowned. "Cake competition. It's--"

"You said it was a cooking competition," Eliot interrupted, fist clenching as if he'd like to be grabbing Nate's shirt collar and choking him.

Nate blinked. "It is. You'll be cooking cakes."

"Baking," Eliot ground out. "I don't bake, I cook! There's a difference!"

Nate still looked confused, glancing from Eliot to the others, checking to see if he was the only one who had no clue what Eliot was upset about. Only Parker seemed unconcerned – but that didn't really mean anything.

"I can't bake," Eliot finally said, speaking slowly as if forcing himself to use small, easy to understand words. "I can do stuff like make a batch of cookies but baking cakes from scratch – at the level of competition they're gonna expect on a cake competition show – is beyond me."

No one said a word for a long moment. Then Hardison said, "So we're screwed?"

No one answered. Then Parker said, "I can bake a cake."

~~~

Forty-five minutes later they were heading into the studio. Eliot and Parker had already been signed up as chef and assistant, it was an easy fix to pretend the production staff had gotten them mixed up and let Parker be the one in charge of baking.

Eliot had strapped on an extra knife, right above his ankle, grumbling about the chance that they'd have to fight their way out. But they got in and were shown to their station; Nate and Sophie blended into the background, posing as PAs and Hardison was in the van outside, and now it was all down to Parker.

She smiled and gave Eliot the list of ingredients she wanted from the stockroom; Eliot blinked at her. "You want what?"

Parker just smiled. "Trust me."

Eliot looked like he was seriously thinking about throwing up. But Parker frowned sternly and pointed towards the stockroom. Eliot just sighed and went.

~~~

"You're doing it wrong!"

"I think I know how to stir eggs, Parker," Eliot snapped.

"Well, clearly you don't because -- give me that!" Parker snatched the bowl and whisk from Eliot. "Measure out the flours and baking soda. God! Why couldn't I have brought a competent assistant?"

Eliot snarled at her, and Hardison laughed over the earbuds. "Y'all should know, the director likes you two. He's got two cameras dedicated to you and the crew is wondering if y'all are married, or brother and sister, and which of you is gonna end up killing the other one."

Nate broke in, saying calmly, "Eliot, put down the knife. We don't want to draw that kind of attention."

~~~

"Why do you want little green army men?" Eliot asked for the fourth time in half an hour, his tone saying clearly that he didn't think he really wanted to be asking.

Parker scowled at the cake. It was done and cooled, and the bowl of frosting was ready to go. "It isn't right without the little green army men."

"Parker, it's a peanut butter and jelly cake," Eliot pointed out -- still sounding as if it was the most disgusting thing he'd heard of. "You've put gummy worms in the batter and you're not seriously going to sprinkle Captain Crunch over it?"

"Of course! That's the way this cake is made. It isn't right if you don't sprinkle the Captain Crunch on it. I tried using Fruit Loops and it just isn't right. You have to position the army men just right so they have to climb over and around the little crunches."

"Luckily for y'all, there was a store a block away," Hardison's voice suddenly came over the earbuds. "Parker, Sophie's headed for the storeroom. Send your assistant over to fetch it."

Parker just squealed happily when Eliot brought over the bag. Eliot shook his head sadly as Parker began to frost the cake, all the while talking to the army figures about the landscape they would soon find themselves in.

"I should point out that Sophie and I have 'accidently' added half a cup of salt to everyone else's cake," Nate said.

"I'm not sure it's going to help," Sophie whispered.

~~~

After the show, Eliot found Nate outside beside the van. He narrowed his eyes. "You knew, didn't you?"

Nate looked surprised, confused, and innocent -- so clearly unable to decide which expression to go for that Eliot just nodded.

"You knew. And you didn't think to tell us?"

"Would it have mattered?"

"It woulda been nice to know...take some of the pressure off."

Leaning back against the van, Nate grinned. "Why Eliot, are you saying you don't perform well under pressure?"

"Not when I'm not allowed to hit people," Eliot growled.

"Well, it's over, we won, and everyone is happy. The Hendersons are going to get their reputation back now that Barber has been exposed as an asshole--"

"As a lying extortionist, you mean."

Nate shrugged. "Whatever. Parker's cake won. That's what counts."

Eliot made a face. "Only ten year olds could eat that and think it was any good."

Nate nodded. "And aren't we lucky that someone decided that the judges for this episode would be ten year olds."

"I still think you arranged that," Eliot said.

"Want to go have some cake?" Nate asked, ignoring the question with a smile.

"No. It was bad enough I had to watch her make one. I'm not eating it."

At that, the van door popped open and Hardison poked his head out. He was holding a plate with a huge slice of cake on it. "You do not know what you're missing." He stabbed a chunk with his fork and ate it, making 'mm' noises."

Eliot looked a little ill.

"And she says she'll make us a green frog cake, next," Hardison added.

"I don't even wanna know," Eliot said.

Parker popped out of the van. "It's got--"

"I don't wanna know!" Eliot yelled, clapping his hands over his ears.

Parker held out a plate with a slice of cake on it to Nate. It was lying on its side, a little green army figure falling slowly over a pile of cereal. He took the plate, looked from Hardison to Eliot, then back to the plate.

"Oh, what the Hell. I was ten once." And he picked up his fork.

the end